What a Difference a Year Makes!

May 10th of last year... wow. How different I feel now. How hard it has been to get here.

I see that I was considering anti-depressents this time last year. I believe I went on them shortly after that time. How do I feel now? After a year of being on Celexa for anxiety and depression?

I am happy! Most days I am damn happy and I'm getting better and better. There have been some rough times. Times I have been so out of control of my emotions that I came close to losing the only man I have and could ever love. Horrible, dark days. But being on the anti-depressant has given me the ability to see more clearly. It has saved me. I am learning daily how to check my feelings; to think before I speak; to change my bad thoughts to good. To focus on all I HAVE instead of all I DON'T have. To be aware of how my actions and reactions affect those I love.

Reading last year's entry reminded me of how hopeless I felt before the meds started to kick in. I wanted to die... I had almost forgotten how bad I felt. Because most days now, I wake up so full of joy, just because I have that man laying next to me, snoring. I revel in snuggling against him in our morning cuddle; showering with him and his morning caveman ways.

Then I go to work, at a great job that pays me what I deserve for my time, with completely flexible hours. We just got a car. We are living together in an amazing pad with our own music room: we jam 2-4 times a week! We have a jazz fest gig, plus we're playing at Bukowski's every other Sunday afternoon: my jazz voice is really starting to develop. I am singing better all the time.

I am in the bloom of life. My life feels like it is just beginning, and i'm in love with it!

bitten by Miss Noelle :: at 11:50 AM

I Am Shedding

Every time I think the pain has gone away it comes back. But I think this time it's because I'm shedding.


I am shedding old layers I nolonger need; lifting the veil that has been clouding my vision for so long without my even realizing it. I see what's happening now, though. The tears that have been stinging my cheeks and puffing my eyes have also been cleansing me, and I must remember that while they flow. It hurts to let go of pieces of yourself that you don't need anymore... but if you can't do it, you will always stay stuck to them. And I want to change.

I have made a decision to change now. I was on Oprah's website yesterday (no coincidence I found just what I was looking for: when the student is ready the teacher will appear - not the first time I've learned a lesson from that beautiful woman) and I found what I needed: inspiration and wisdom. She said two things that are truth resonating within me still: the reason we are fat is because we take care of everyone but ourselves because we don't think we deserve it; and that if you want to change, don't bother trying: decide to do it and it will happen. It's true. When we always tell ourselves we are going to make changes but we don't follow through, then we nolonger trust anything we say. Of course, she also mentioned this... the daily conversation with yourself as I've always thought of it. Why do I resist it so?

No more resistance. It's time for change, and I have great incentive AND a timeframe to work with, which I plan on taking full advantage of. I have my first Jazz Festival gig, and with one of the best and most innovative bands in this fair city. Not only that, but it's on a prominanat stage with a great time slot. Our R&B band is probably going to get a gig at either the VAG or David Lam Park; I play with Kane Taylor Explosion on the big outdoor stage in Gastown. Ever since I began singing, I have been waiting for this chance. Just my chance to be seen by the right people; to play with the best musicians; to create something new. We are doing a Cole Porter tribute, but it will be unlike anything that's come before it. With all I've done performance wise, I still consider this my debute as a singer... my debute on the jazz scene, you see. This puts me up a level as a performer, playing with these seasoned pro's. It forces me to step up to the plate; to go beyond my realm as Danny calls it. And if I'm going to do that, I am going to give it all I've got.

I am not so much re-creating myself, as I've been calling it. I am about to allow my true self to shine through. I just heavy sighed at that one, so this will obviously be an emotional time. I think I will warn Danny of what's going on and tell him that although I will do my best not to let it happen around him, that if I cry, all he need to is hold me and tell me to take deep breaths.

The best is yet to come and babe won't it be fine.

I will do this. It's time to let loose the Capricorn in me. I know I am a force to be reconned with... I have talent and beauty and charisma and sex appeal. I have a wonderful partner who, although he may not meet my every emotional need (not his job, I'm learning, but my own), looks after me in every way that matters. Supports me and makes opportunities for me. for us both. This is a time for me to focus on being grateful for all that I do have in my life, and letting go of the anxieties of what I want that I don't have. This is a time for me to remember patience; to learn new ways of thinking and being; to start new, healthier routines.

Isn't it funny I begin my new self-empowerment on International Women's Day!

Okay.

I must go off to work now. I am walking to and fro. Half an hour each way. Next steps, the gym and eating the right foods ... and eating dinner no later than 7pm.

Allowance, Noelle. Just let things happen.

bitten by Miss Noelle :: at 8:28 AM

BACK ON LINE

Look fingers. Just start typing. Fuck your brain. You've waited to long for that to kick in, so fingers, do your talking.

Anyway. Long time to type. Well... been offline and in more ways than one. But here I am, back again.

That's all I can take for now.

Try again tomorrow.

bitten by Miss Noelle :: at 7:03 PM

The Cloud Breaks Again!

Okay... all this cognitive work I've been doing is really good and all... helping and all that... but I have made an important discovery: it ain't just in my head.

What I mean is this. The way I was feeling the other day... my last entry... the next day the cloud finally fucking broke! It had been building for a couple of weeks. Tears daily. Ultimate pain and for no good reason. But miraculously, the day after I wrote that, I awoke feeling very good. Not that I haven't been a little up and down... I've been using my cognitive stuff and mindfulness and positive self-talk for helping with that and help it does because I am stronger than I was two days ago.

So... is the problem then, hormonal or chemical? Related, perhaps, to my period, which had been going on unofficially for nearly two weeks before the real start due to two pills being taken at once when one was missed. The day I started for real was the misery day. The next day was the much better day.

I can't see how things could be so dark and bleak one day and so bright and hopeful the next if it were only my thoughts causing my anxiety and depression. SO! This is a wonderful discovery. It means I am one step closer to understanding what is "wrong" with me, and hopefully, one step closer to getting that under control.

Danny left for Montreal today.

When we said goodbye at the airport, I wanted to burst into tears... sobs. But I didn't. I breathed and talked to myself nicely and found a grassy spot to smoke a joint and write myself into a positive place. A place of strength.

I am going to enjoy this time to myself. Use it as a time for reflection; a time for purging my life of the old to make room for the new. When Danny comes home, it will be wonderful to see him... all the more so because I was strong and self-reliant (as I've always had to be before he came along) in his absence.

Yay. I feel happy. I feel positive and hopeful. I feel love.

bitten by Miss Noelle :: at 5:05 PM

Enough With the Fucking Misery Already!!!

Oh god. Oh god oh god I wish it would go away. The pain. The hurting. The crying. The darkness. The feeling that I can't go on... that I've lost my will to live. I find myself daily wishing I didn't have to do this anymore, even wishing I would die. But then I stop myself and take it back... afraid my body will listen and oblige.

I have every reason to feel okay about living, haven't I? I have a job, which is part-time and super easy; a wonderful man who provides for the financial needs my job does not; friends who would see me if I were able, and who wait patiently and guiltlessly while I am unable. I have talent and personality. The man of my frickin' dreams! What is it? Why, why, why?!?!

Fuck.

I just don't know how people do it. Live. It is hard and it hurts. Is it this miserable for everyone? Sometimes I think maybe I'm just being a big fucking baby... but I'm not. The pain is so overwhelming and real. I don't want to want to die. I want to want to live.

I have to keep trying. I have to keep hoping. I have to keep believing that one day, though perhpas not easy, it will at least be easier. What choice do I have? None.

Danny is going away to Montreal for 5 days, starting Wednesday. Oh god. Of course, I want him to go and to have a nice time... but I will miss him. I hope I won't be MORE fucking depressed in his absence. I will try not to be. I will try to be strong and independent. Yes, yes... I lived without him before... but it wasn't much of a life, and most days, he is all that keeps me going. But I will survive. And hopefully he'll really miss me and be glad to come home to me.

I want to cry right now. To let the tears flow... but I'm at work. AND... I purposely adorned my baby browns in black swirls of liquid liner, in an effort to force myself to avoid gushing tears... too messy.

Heavy fucking sigh of all heavy fucking sighs...

I am tired.

I am weary.

I am sad.

Maybe it is time to look at the antidepressent option again.

bitten by Miss Noelle :: at 4:40 PM

No Shadows Today

Hi. I'm in love. Like, so in love! And I love it.

This is just for me, this ramble I'm about to go into. I dig him the most. His smile. His eyes. His hands. Mmmm... his broad shoulders and hairy chest... sinking into his strong arms and feeling so safe... so happy. So right.

We fit.

This is like nothing I've ever experienced. I've been in love before... but never like this. Multiply anything I've ever felt before by a thousand, and you might be getting closer. And I like him. I like everything about him.

I wish to hold hands with him for the rest of my days. He is penultimate. I always wondered how it would feel... who it would be. It feels wonderful... better than I ever imagined. I didn't count on all the positive changes in my attitudes. I didn't count on finding someone who would be such a good influence on me. I got way more than I bargained for, and am the luckiest girl in all the land.

Today is a good day, because my cloud has lifted and floated off... there are no shadows today. Which means I can see with my own true eyes, how very lucky I am... I can feel the good stuff because the bad stuff has taken a leave of absence.

JOY!!!

I love it when he's trying to hold a serious face, trying not to laugh... I love making him despite himself! I love the caveman language he grunts out at me in the shower in the morning. I love it when he turns his charm on me, rendering me helpless to resist (as if I ever do).

It keeps getting better, this thing we have going. We are getting to know eachother more as we go along.

I am so happy I finally kissed him.

bitten by Miss Noelle :: at 7:19 PM

Daily Buddhist Wisdom

According to Buddhist psychology, most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for, attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities. The pursuit of the objects of our desire and attachment involves the use of aggression and competitiveness…These mental processes easily translate into actions, breeding belligerence. Such processes have been going on in the human mind since time immemorial, but their execution has become more effective under modern conditions. What can we do to control and regulate these “poisons”—delusion, greed and aggression? For it is these poisons that are behind almost every trouble in the world.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

bitten by Miss Noelle :: at 5:58 PM