Just a Little Bite Won't Hurt...

What a Difference a Year Makes!

2005-05-19T11:50:00.000-07:00

May 10th of last year... wow. How different I feel now. How hard it has been to get here.

I see that I was considering anti-depressents this time last year. I believe I went on them shortly after that time. How do I feel now? After a year of being on Celexa for anxiety and depression?

I am happy! Most days I am damn happy and I'm getting better and better. There have been some rough times. Times I have been so out of control of my emotions that I came close to losing the only man I have and could ever love. Horrible, dark days. But being on the anti-depressant has given me the ability to see more clearly. It has saved me. I am learning daily how to check my feelings; to think before I speak; to change my bad thoughts to good. To focus on all I HAVE instead of all I DON'T have. To be aware of how my actions and reactions affect those I love.

Reading last year's entry reminded me of how hopeless I felt before the meds started to kick in. I wanted to die... I had almost forgotten how bad I felt. Because most days now, I wake up so full of joy, just because I have that man laying next to me, snoring. I revel in snuggling against him in our morning cuddle; showering with him and his morning caveman ways.

Then I go to work, at a great job that pays me what I deserve for my time, with completely flexible hours. We just got a car. We are living together in an amazing pad with our own music room: we jam 2-4 times a week! We have a jazz fest gig, plus we're playing at Bukowski's every other Sunday afternoon: my jazz voice is really starting to develop. I am singing better all the time.

I am in the bloom of life. My life feels like it is just beginning, and i'm in love with it!

I Am Shedding

2005-03-08T08:28:00.000-08:00

Every time I think the pain has gone away it comes back. But I think this time it's because I'm shedding.

I am shedding old layers I nolonger need; lifting the veil that has been clouding my vision for so long without my even realizing it. I see what's happening now, though. The tears that have been stinging my cheeks and puffing my eyes have also been cleansing me, and I must remember that while they flow. It hurts to let go of pieces of yourself that you don't need anymore... but if you can't do it, you will always stay stuck to them. And I want to change.

I have made a decision to change now. I was on Oprah's website yesterday (no coincidence I found just what I was looking for: when the student is ready the teacher will appear - not the first time I've learned a lesson from that beautiful woman) and I found what I needed: inspiration and wisdom. She said two things that are truth resonating within me still: the reason we are fat is because we take care of everyone but ourselves because we don't think we deserve it; and that if you want to change, don't bother trying: decide to do it and it will happen. It's true. When we always tell ourselves we are going to make changes but we don't follow through, then we nolonger trust anything we say. Of course, she also mentioned this... the daily conversation with yourself as I've always thought of it. Why do I resist it so?

No more resistance. It's time for change, and I have great incentive AND a timeframe to work with, which I plan on taking full advantage of. I have my first Jazz Festival gig, and with one of the best and most innovative bands in this fair city. Not only that, but it's on a prominanat stage with a great time slot. Our R&B band is probably going to get a gig at either the VAG or David Lam Park; I play with Kane Taylor Explosion on the big outdoor stage in Gastown. Ever since I began singing, I have been waiting for this chance. Just my chance to be seen by the right people; to play with the best musicians; to create something new. We are doing a Cole Porter tribute, but it will be unlike anything that's come before it. With all I've done performance wise, I still consider this my debute as a singer... my debute on the jazz scene, you see. This puts me up a level as a performer, playing with these seasoned pro's. It forces me to step up to the plate; to go beyond my realm as Danny calls it. And if I'm going to do that, I am going to give it all I've got.

I am not so much re-creating myself, as I've been calling it. I am about to allow my true self to shine through. I just heavy sighed at that one, so this will obviously be an emotional time. I think I will warn Danny of what's going on and tell him that although I will do my best not to let it happen around him, that if I cry, all he need to is hold me and tell me to take deep breaths.

The best is yet to come and babe won't it be fine.

I will do this. It's time to let loose the Capricorn in me. I know I am a force to be reconned with... I have talent and beauty and charisma and sex appeal. I have a wonderful partner who, although he may not meet my every emotional need (not his job, I'm learning, but my own), looks after me in every way that matters. Supports me and makes opportunities for me. for us both. This is a time for me to focus on being grateful for all that I do have in my life, and letting go of the anxieties of what I want that I don't have. This is a time for me to remember patience; to learn new ways of thinking and being; to start new, healthier routines.

Isn't it funny I begin my new self-empowerment on International Women's Day!

Okay.

I must go off to work now. I am walking to and fro. Half an hour each way. Next steps, the gym and eating the right foods ... and eating dinner no later than 7pm.

Allowance, Noelle. Just let things happen.

BACK ON LINE

2004-11-17T19:03:00.000-08:00

Look fingers. Just start typing. Fuck your brain. You've waited to long for that to kick in, so fingers, do your talking.

Anyway. Long time to type. Well... been offline and in more ways than one. But here I am, back again.

That's all I can take for now.

Try again tomorrow.

The Cloud Breaks Again!

2004-05-12T17:05:00.000-07:00

Okay... all this cognitive work I've been doing is really good and all... helping and all that... but I have made an important discovery: it ain't just in my head.

What I mean is this. The way I was feeling the other day... my last entry... the next day the cloud finally fucking broke! It had been building for a couple of weeks. Tears daily. Ultimate pain and for no good reason. But miraculously, the day after I wrote that, I awoke feeling very good. Not that I haven't been a little up and down... I've been using my cognitive stuff and mindfulness and positive self-talk for helping with that and help it does because I am stronger than I was two days ago.

So... is the problem then, hormonal or chemical? Related, perhaps, to my period, which had been going on unofficially for nearly two weeks before the real start due to two pills being taken at once when one was missed. The day I started for real was the misery day. The next day was the much better day.

I can't see how things could be so dark and bleak one day and so bright and hopeful the next if it were only my thoughts causing my anxiety and depression. SO! This is a wonderful discovery. It means I am one step closer to understanding what is "wrong" with me, and hopefully, one step closer to getting that under control.

Danny left for Montreal today.

When we said goodbye at the airport, I wanted to burst into tears... sobs. But I didn't. I breathed and talked to myself nicely and found a grassy spot to smoke a joint and write myself into a positive place. A place of strength.

I am going to enjoy this time to myself. Use it as a time for reflection; a time for purging my life of the old to make room for the new. When Danny comes home, it will be wonderful to see him... all the more so because I was strong and self-reliant (as I've always had to be before he came along) in his absence.

Yay. I feel happy. I feel positive and hopeful. I feel love.

Enough With the Fucking Misery Already!!!

2004-05-10T16:40:00.000-07:00

Oh god. Oh god oh god I wish it would go away. The pain. The hurting. The crying. The darkness. The feeling that I can't go on... that I've lost my will to live. I find myself daily wishing I didn't have to do this anymore, even wishing I would die. But then I stop myself and take it back... afraid my body will listen and oblige.

I have every reason to feel okay about living, haven't I? I have a job, which is part-time and super easy; a wonderful man who provides for the financial needs my job does not; friends who would see me if I were able, and who wait patiently and guiltlessly while I am unable. I have talent and personality. The man of my frickin' dreams! What is it? Why, why, why?!?!

Fuck.

I just don't know how people do it. Live. It is hard and it hurts. Is it this miserable for everyone? Sometimes I think maybe I'm just being a big fucking baby... but I'm not. The pain is so overwhelming and real. I don't want to want to die. I want to want to live.

I have to keep trying. I have to keep hoping. I have to keep believing that one day, though perhpas not easy, it will at least be easier. What choice do I have? None.

Danny is going away to Montreal for 5 days, starting Wednesday. Oh god. Of course, I want him to go and to have a nice time... but I will miss him. I hope I won't be MORE fucking depressed in his absence. I will try not to be. I will try to be strong and independent. Yes, yes... I lived without him before... but it wasn't much of a life, and most days, he is all that keeps me going. But I will survive. And hopefully he'll really miss me and be glad to come home to me.

I want to cry right now. To let the tears flow... but I'm at work. AND... I purposely adorned my baby browns in black swirls of liquid liner, in an effort to force myself to avoid gushing tears... too messy.

Heavy fucking sigh of all heavy fucking sighs...

I am tired.

I am weary.

I am sad.

Maybe it is time to look at the antidepressent option again.

No Shadows Today

2004-04-28T19:19:00.000-07:00

Hi. I'm in love. Like, so in love! And I love it.

This is just for me, this ramble I'm about to go into. I dig him the most. His smile. His eyes. His hands. Mmmm... his broad shoulders and hairy chest... sinking into his strong arms and feeling so safe... so happy. So right.

We fit.

This is like nothing I've ever experienced. I've been in love before... but never like this. Multiply anything I've ever felt before by a thousand, and you might be getting closer. And I like him. I like everything about him.

I wish to hold hands with him for the rest of my days. He is penultimate. I always wondered how it would feel... who it would be. It feels wonderful... better than I ever imagined. I didn't count on all the positive changes in my attitudes. I didn't count on finding someone who would be such a good influence on me. I got way more than I bargained for, and am the luckiest girl in all the land.

Today is a good day, because my cloud has lifted and floated off... there are no shadows today. Which means I can see with my own true eyes, how very lucky I am... I can feel the good stuff because the bad stuff has taken a leave of absence.

JOY!!!

I love it when he's trying to hold a serious face, trying not to laugh... I love making him despite himself! I love the caveman language he grunts out at me in the shower in the morning. I love it when he turns his charm on me, rendering me helpless to resist (as if I ever do).

It keeps getting better, this thing we have going. We are getting to know eachother more as we go along.

I am so happy I finally kissed him.

Daily Buddhist Wisdom

2004-04-27T17:58:00.000-07:00

According to Buddhist psychology, most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for, attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities. The pursuit of the objects of our desire and attachment involves the use of aggression and competitiveness…These mental processes easily translate into actions, breeding belligerence. Such processes have been going on in the human mind since time immemorial, but their execution has become more effective under modern conditions. What can we do to control and regulate these “poisons”—delusion, greed and aggression? For it is these poisons that are behind almost every trouble in the world.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Ummm... I'm a blue dragon!

2004-04-26T19:12:00.000-07:00

A BLUE Dragon Lies Beneath!

My inner dragon is the Water Elemental dragon. If there ever was a draconic example of a supple attitude, my inner dragon is it. Just sit back and go with the flow. *contented sigh* Click the image to try the Inner Dragon Online Quiz for yourself.

Difficult Weekend

2004-04-26T17:32:00.000-07:00

What a difficult, trying weekend... full of what "should have" been wonderful times, but because of whatever it is that is "wrong with me", were full not only of smiles, but tears.

Danny took me to the ballet... full symphony and choir... "Petrushka" and "Carmina Burana". All through the first acts, tears rolled down my cheeks and onto my chest. He took me on a lovely bike adventure the next day... again, tears at times as I rode along. Lots more at home in my room alone. None in front of him, thank goodness. He did ask if I'd been crying, and I told him I have been for a couple of weeks now. But I also told him that, although it's tempting to go back on antidepressents, that I want to keep trying a little longer before I do. See if this Changeways program helps... try to exercise a little ever day... keep on truckin'. In the past I didn't have support through these tough times... I have a better chance now; as Danny said, "We both have better chances now."

We are getting to a point that is much better for me... he is understanding that it's not anything he is doing that is the root of my problem, and therefore he seems a little more willing to talk with me. Gawd, I was such a fucking whiner this weekend. I didn't want to be; I tried to stop myself. Anxiety was taking over. I really don't like it when I'm like that. I will be less like that the more I take control of my life.

Blessed!

2004-04-23T17:21:00.000-07:00

I wish to remind myself that I have been blessed. Not just with being me, a person whom I actually quite like and admire at times, but with, more recently, the addition to such a kindered soul as my man.

Musn't forget how different things were before he rescued me. Hungry, lonely, filled with longing and desire. He fed me; kept me close to him as often as possible; loved & satiated me. He continues to do these things daily.

Eight months have passed now since our individual existences melded together. How amazing is this?!? Unfortunatley, because my anxiety and depression have been on the front burner of my soul, I haven't had the opportunity to relax and enjoy this ride. Although I do enjoy, I have so much work ahead of me. That's okay. I'm with a man who is, by his very existence, helping me to heal.

Poverty sucks. I've always been poor. But in the past, I've always had to go it alone. Get this: I don't anymore. I've been feeling so guilty since I cut my hours down to part-time. Danny works two jobs; eleven hour days. I mean, I've been doing my best to make up the difference by doing the laundry during the week so he doesn't have to on his days off; doing the dishes and cleaning up and vaccuuming at his place every day so that when he comes home he doesn't get depressed; assisting him with chores and errands and anything I can to make his life easier; making dinner, or getting it ready before I leave for work so he doesn't have to worry about it or spend too much money on take-out. I mean, it actually works out quite nicely... he has so little time to himself, and I NEED so much time to myself right now. At least I'm using it constructively.

He used to come home from job number two to a messy, cluttered apartment; have to see the friends who were coming over (often including myself); then have to come up with something to eat - usually quite late - usually take-out - usually alone.

I'm making myself feel alot better, actually. I mean, I do everything within my power to make his life easier and happier; I cook and bloody clean for him and I don't even mind (I've never done this for any other man, and often not even for myself); I listen to him and love him and appreciate him (he knows because I tell him every day); I desire him immensley, and he knows THAT because I SHOW him every day!

Well... get this.

I had an interview the other day for a great job with great pay and great benefits and great people... they thought I was great, I could tell. They left a message asking me to call them today... great! Right? Nope. Not so great. It's full time, 8-5. A nine hour day, which would require me to de-bed at the disgusting hour of... ugh... 6am! Yuck! That would, first of all, mean that my precious morning time with Danny would no longer be possible. It would also mean that I'd have to quite going to my Changeways program. And as Danny pointed out, it would also mean that I'd probably lose it!

I didn't know what to do, you see. But he was so wonderful. He told me not to take it. I expressed my worries, and he said he doens't think I should be working full time right now, and that as long as he is working two jobs, I should keep doing part time. I of course said that's not fair to him, but he insisted that he doesn't mind, and that I should keep trying to find the right part time job. He said (tee-hee) that people would wind up dead and I'd land in jail if I worked so many hours right now. How great is this guy?

Using the Force...

2004-04-22T17:38:00.000-07:00

Will try to force self to write, though self is oh so tired and worn out from life and it's many trials, and from the usual seasonal health disorders.

Chocolate.

Chocolate has been provided me by a blonde goddess with whom I work. We're talkin' milk; we're talkin' Purdy's baby. Good stuff. A whole, entire bar of sugary, caffeine filled tongue treasure, all for me.

It melts in my mouth now. Sometimes I chew... I can't help myself. I push it around my mouth, savouring it's warm, rich... squishy... seductive... sinfully delicious flavour!

Of course, I am beginning to sweat. Just finished, you see, a double-bag cuppa tea. I will have a sugar rush and crash; caffeine will help for a little while, but apparently, will peak in five hours... just in time for bed. Goodie.

Sigh.

I don't think it will matter, actually. I am so very weary I could crawl under my desk and curl up for a long nap. Schleepy. Very schleepy...

Strength

2004-04-12T21:46:00.000-07:00

A word that keeps crossing my path. The thing I ask for most from the Universe. A power I possess but which is hidden from me oft times.

The tarot reading I just did online (www.llewellyn.com - fun and free stuff) mentioned something about looking at the world through tear cleansed eyes... that feeling sorrow makes more room in your heart... that in order to progress, basically, I am going to have to let myself feel the emotions I try so hard to hold back.

Now, many of the thoughts that bring on my emotions are ones I really need to let go of. However, there's a reason that I go there. And it must be dealt with.

I want to be a self-contained, self-controlled, self-made model of a modern major... girl. I want to be able to relax... to enjoy. Especially when in the company of my man. It's so frustrating... that's what's supposed to make everything else okay... just being near him. But in reality, it brings up so many mixed up emotions of yonder years gone by. I'm thinking too hard, most of the time, to relax... to simply enjoy our time together.

One beast I long to rid myself of - I hate to even say the word: jealousy. But let's face it... you never know what another person really thinks. Not that I mistrust my love - I want so badly to let go the damage that has been done to me in the past so that I can give him the trust he rightly deserves... all of it. Fear, fear and more fear.

It's okay, though. Because I want to change. I will do whatever it takes, at my own pace, to ensure I get what I want.

That Which is Like Breathing....

2004-04-08T20:48:00.000-07:00

Clad in a royal purple vintage silk dress, purple fishnets and, yes, precious purple platforms, I pushed open the doors of The Yale, slinking into the room, "Queen of Fucking Everything" accesorry case in hand. A delicious entrance, apt to ignite curiosity.

Particularly as Damon and da boyz were already on stage, and he had announced to the audience that I was to be expected, and that they should be excited.

I stopped for a moment near the sound board and watched. Then I made my way back stage to collect myself... I had just rushed from work. Well. I had only enough time for one little nip from my flask, when Damon finished his song and invited me up on stage.

I wasn't quite there yet. Not all there. They never would have known it, though... I faked it. Well, not so much faked it... let's just say it was work. I was too conscious of my mic technique; my vocal technique; I wasn't even warmed up yet.

But they liked it.

I mingled a little during the break. Got me a beer... only had two all night though, and didn't even drain my flask of it's vodka-y goodness. I was able, then, when the second set began, to go back stage and warm up... sing along to what the band and Damon were doing... stretch... breathe... center myself. Remember who I am, and what I am capable of.

Second set I worked it, baby! It was good, really good. Felt good. I let go more... forgot about the mic and the voice and listened to the music. Found my sea legs in those huge heels. Had a good time.

More mingling, a little jazz cigarette, and then I actually sat and watched the band for a while. I headed off to the bathroom, and wound up talking to the ladies in their, as is always the way.

Then this one girl came out of the stall. Told me her name was Mimi and that we'd met - that she'd dated Justin after we broke up. "Was your relationship with Justin... normal?", she asked me. I of course said it was defenitley NOT... that he was controlling and angry and manipulative and that it got so bad that I didn't want to have sex with him anymore, but I did because he pushed me to, and then didn't even notice that I'd be crying all the while.

She told me that one night, he had been very angry... told her they were breaking up. Then he just started hitting her over and over again. Harsh man. Very harsh.

He hit me... once... an open handed hard slap, but man... guys are strong. My jaw felt out for days. We'd been out at a Halloween party. As usual, he'd been drinking a fucking lot... and getting angrier and meaner to me with every gulp of beer.

I had to drive, even though I was a new driver, because he was sloppy. All the way home he was verbally and emotionally abusive. Told me I'd ruined everybody's fun. Why... just because I'm not all happy-go-fucking-lucky hanging out with my drunken asshole boyfriend and his also drunk friends, while he makes inuuendos all night about a foursome with us and his buddy and his buddy's cheap little girlfriend.

When we got in the door, he told me he was going back to the party. I hid the keys. Just two nights before, he'd hit a stop sign and knocked it down on his way home. He got even angrier, of course. We were in the bedroom. He started yelling at me. Then he did it. Hit me.

I was shocked at first. I couldn't believe he'd done it. Seconds later I was grabbing the keys from thier hiding place, and throwing them at him. I screamed at him to get the fuck out and never come back. Then, as he was walking towards the door, the REAL anger started to flow in my veins. Not just the reactionary deal. I went after him. I grabbed him by his favourite stupid looking shirt and I ripped it. Then I started hitting him. In his fucking face. Knocked his glasses clean accross the room. Kept going until he started to cry.

Unfortunately, we talked it out. I forgave him. Idiot. But I'll tell you... he never tried that particular shit with me ever again. Just all the over shit I took.

But that's okay. Because I'm not there anymore, baby. I got the fuck out of dodge and never looked back, and oh, have I learned. No one will ever repress me again; or try to without learning that homey don't play that.

Back to the bar: at that moment, someone came to fetch me from the bathroom, that they were playing one of my tunes and waiting for me to come on stage. So off I went, leaving all that Mimi and I could have talked about unspoken. I sure hope I see her again sometime. I think it would help to talk to her... help us both, like it did for me and Vi talking about Paul.

The third set was magic! The music took over, and this time, it worked me! All the listening I've been doing... all the practicing and experimenting with different ways of using my voice... fuck did it show! I let go and it flowed, just as I had told myself it could. I got myself there. I chose it. All I need is more... more time up there doing that which is like breathing to me...

Reminder to Self:

2004-04-07T21:05:00.000-07:00

I've been asleep at the wheel.

My life was not in my control. I drifted. I strayed from the path my soul knew was right. I didn't have much choice.

Creative people are poor people generally. Artists of all kinds usually suffer financially and have to sell their souls just to get by. Just to live. The problem is, that the more you do the joe-job, the less you do that which is like breathing to you... you begin to choke. The less you get of your fix, the more it drifts away from you. There comes a time, believe me, when you forget that your depression stems from the lack of creation... because you have forgotten that side of you even exists.

I have a gig tonight. Time to bring out "The Diva". Haven't been doing that much lately. I also haven't tapped into that strength in me... that power... that surrendering and letting go and having the music just pour out of me like a goldon, flowing river of sound. He-he.

So... I'm just trying to center myself. To slow down my breathing. Let my fingers tap and click at the keys as a substitute for allowing my legs to bounce nervously.

Ok then. Listen up, Diva. This is one of those night if you choose it to be. Just breathe and let go and let it flow.

And don't drink too much beer!

Have you ever watched "The Thirsty Traveler"?

2004-03-31T21:03:00.000-08:00

My fantasy: that one day things will be... perfect.

I won't feel stressed or anxious, ever, ever. Jealousy and insecurity will be feelings those poor "others" have to work through... my work will be done. Money won't be an issue, because I'll be making enough money doing what I love to do, to afford the little luxuries in life... like getting out of debt; a bottle of perfume once in a while; maybe some new eyeshadow; pretty undies; fine wine; unlimited education, vacation... freedom.

Is this unrealistic? I thought so when I started typing... but now that I've described it, it sounds so good I simply MUST have it! All of it, and more!

Have you ever watched "The Thirsty Traveler"? This dude has the best job in the frickin' world, man. He travels the world, drinking different traditional drinks with real folks in little towns. Way cool. I think it's paid for by a Canadian grant of some kind, too.

So, Danny and I were thinking... seeings we want to see the world... we need to come up with our own show idea! I mean... we both have the personality... we'd be the perfect "couple" cadidates for hosting a show together. It would have to involve: travel, music, food, booze.

Any ideas?

Cuz that would sure be a great way to get half of what I want. I'm working on the other stuff... but listen! The online tarot reading I did the other day (www.llewellyn.com) said to excpect prosperity as a vote of confidence from the universe. Bring it on, baby! I need that vote of confidence and I need that prosperity.

I had a dream last week. There was a firey ditch. It was night. There were others around me. It wasn't scarey. The ditch was filled with buckets... big ones. Each had a sign above it - a single word. I didn't focus on any word at that time. I had a basketball. The object was to throw the ball into a bucket with the word of your choice. Everyone around me was failing. I threw my ball and hit my mark, looking up to the word I had selected: STRENGTH.

It's stayed with me, obviously... it's the thing I ask for most. But when I did that tarot reading the other day, the top card in the spread was STRENGTH. And... the card depicted a girl in the arms of a lion. She held a ball in her arms. The image was reminscent of my dream, and so I like to think it means my reading is accurate and good things are coming my way!

Long Time No Write!

2004-03-22T19:39:00.000-08:00

Okay. Let me just say that it is tougher than hell to force myself to write sometimes. Even if I have nothing else to do and I'm bored and depressed... getting pen to page or finger to keyboard seems more than I can handle. But here I am, finally!

So w'us up with me? Hmmm... 'been working the evening shift, 6-10pm. Don't like getting home so late, but I had been planning on taking that bartending course during the days... but just as I finally got the cashola I was waiting for, I moved and finally got my stuffs out of storage, too. Which meant I opted to take those free days for unpacking and orgainizing and going through and getting rid of crap I've been dragging around with me forever.

Today I cleaned Danny's place. Holy shitzki! I can't wait to see his reaction. Sometimes he doesn't notice when I tidy up, but ho-ly-shit! I did a number on that joint I've been dying to do for a long time. Since I've known him his place has looked the same... let's be honest... a big ol' mess. See, I understand. When I get depressed, things have gotten pretty out of hand. But I've moved, and had to at least pack things away if not sort and throw crap out. He's been there (and yes, been depressed) for thirteen years. Things have accumulated. Well... enter moi!

What I've done is to throw out a bunch of junk... throw loose 'stuff' into boxes for he and I to sort together... organized and tidied and cleaned and vaccuumed my sweet little ass off is what I've done! He's gonna walk in on this Monday evening after working two jobs to an entirely different apartment than the one he left this morning. And the people who come by will be astonished! I really hope he likes it. How could he not!

And what of my little mind? Ah! Alas, things have been difficult through this bout of PMS... pre-menstrual; DMS (during); PPMS (post).... yup. Anxiety city I'm afraid. The good news is that I've been controlling it as much as possible. Keeping myself from going into the fear and the tears by talking logic through it; by being kind to myself and patient with my progress. Last night was a toughie.

See... the entire weekend I'd been battling the anxiety... feeling so depressed and sad... wanting to sob. Wanting to just fucking be able to relax and enjoy my time with Danny. Well, Sunday night I had a late rehearsal, and when I got home, he was still up and he'd ordered us chicken wings, the lovely man! I was in a good mood, too. Then I unfortunately saw these magazines a friend had given him... called "Bizarre", but not the fashion magazine. Fetish stuff. Well... I have issues oh yes I do. Sad but true. Anything pornographic, or explicit sexually just puts me right into a physical state of panic due to a very unhealthy relationship I was in with an angry man who had a pension for porn and used to force me through mental domination and abuse to participate against my wishes. So, there I went into "the state". Anxiety. How was I going to eat now? FUCK!

I got quiet, of course. Withdrew into myself. Sat there looking freaked out. He didn't even know why. Thought it had something to do with the TV show. But when he asked if I was alright when I got up and got my keys to go get an acid reducer for my gut, I told him what was going on. He was obviously a little... uneasy. But he asked if there was anything he could do to help, I asked for a hug and he gave it. Somehow, talking about it took away its power over me. I was able to eat and laugh and enjoy after all.

I don't want to tell him what he can and can't do... it isn't even a big deal. If I have a problem with it, then it's mine to deal with. I'm just glad I could talk with him and that he could be receptive. I'm afraid to tell him what's going on but if it helps, then I must. Of course, now I'm a little anxious that he doesn't quite understandd the extent of my anxiety, or that he thinks I'm telling him HE can't look at such things. Geeze. When will it end?

Keep on truckin'.

Ne Pas de Everything

2004-02-26T12:47:00.000-08:00

I don't want to bitch... so I guess I won't. Although my list of complaints is long and I'm anxious about quite a few things right now...

Ah... but the sun is out (even if I'm not) and Spring is busting at the seams... much like this little vixen is.

Fuck it. I can't say anything nice so I won't say anything at all.

Keep on truckin'. And drinkin' and fuckin'!

2004-02-24T12:24:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's hard to write... even though that is (was) (will be again), one of my blisses.

Two dark years... it's hard to get myself back on track just like that. Especially when I've never really stuck to a track in the first place... I've always been one to beat my own path through the woods. I"ve always done things at my own pace, my own way. Help is good, though. I look forward to a time when enough foundation is laid that I may stand on solid ground and sing again... write again... do those things I dreamed of doing before the darkness poked my eyes out and blinded me to them.

It's getting easier. It's exhausting keeping myself on the brighter side sometimes... at which times I remind myself that the darkness is actually MORE exhausting! Easier to "go with" perhaps... but miserable to deal with once I'm there.

Keep on truckin'. And drinkin' and fuckin'!

Metamorphasis

2004-02-19T11:41:00.000-08:00

I am becoming a do-er, and damn do I dig it!

It's amazing. Yet I've been truly unable to do it until now. Yesterday I went to the UBC Psych Dept. for a screening to find out if I qualified as someone who suffers from depression. Well, having suffered from it since I can remember, as young as six, I qualify, which means that in April, I will get to attend a group called the Change Ways Program. They will teach me tools which will help me to cope with depression.

It was interesting for me to see through answering these questions, however, just how much has changed in the last six months. Six months ago my answers would have been much darker... but things have been changing. Having Danny in my life has taken away many of my issues, and he has inspired and encouraged me to take action to help myself. This is indeed the perfect time for me to learn these new skills, as I am finally at a point where I feel like I can put in the work I need to in order to become a fully functioning individual.

I am so truly blessed to have met this man. I am so thankful that I opened my eyes and saw him before it was too late. And although I believe myself lucky to be with him, I know that I deserve every moment I spend with him... and that in turn, he is a very, very lucky man. Together, we who have suffered from loneliness and depression our entire lives... we find happiness... we find the future a hopeful, bright place, instead of a dark doom.

I am so proud of myself for having the courage to change.

Little Miss Bartender!

2004-02-10T10:31:00.000-08:00

I am so frickin' relieved!

My head has been throbbing from all the stress of working too much... but all that's about to change! I told them at work today that I cannot be a trainer here, because I need to cut my hours to part-time in order to take a bartending course. With the bit of money coming in from my Curves commercial buy-out, I'll be able to afford to cut back my hours, take the course and change my life. Hooray! I'd forgotten I always have options.

Wheeeee!

Happy Thoughts!!

2004-02-06T13:14:00.000-08:00

Last night I played at the Yale. It was way cool. I rocked, even if I do say so myself!

So... my mind is on an up-swing... and not only that... but it feels way different than my good moods have in the last several months. It feels like I'm actually healing and progressing, not just having a good day. I haven't felt so positive and confident for a long time... I'd forgotten who I was. Well I'm back, baby! And I'm turning into quite the little do-er... taking action all over the place. Hooray and hellelujah!

I can't wait to move!

Movin' On Up!

2004-02-04T19:30:00.000-08:00

Already on the East side, but moving up about 15 feet... to the apartment right above mine. It's got a wicked view, and a way bigger kitchen... not to mention the convenience I will experience being now on the exact same floor as my sweetheart. Cool. He just keeps moving me closer!

Today is Tuesday... That Is My Title

2004-02-03T19:17:00.000-08:00

Skiddely bee-bap-a-roo.

That's really about all I have to say at the present time.

Thank you and have a nice day.

The Friday Five (further thanks to Peanut!)

2004-01-30T18:22:00.000-08:00

"You have just won FIVE million dollars!":

1. Who do you call first?
My Beloved
My Daddy
My Bestest Friend

2. What is the first thing you buy for yourself?
A vacation to a little populated paradise

3. What is the first thing you buy for someone else?
A ticket for my Beloved to join me!

4. Do you give any away? If yes, to whom?
Yes. Obviously I share it 50/50 with my man. He can share with his family, and I with mine. I'd set up a trust fund for my brothers so they learn to appreciate money, and give them a little for fun, too. I'd give some to my best friends, too. And defenitley some to charity... maybe something to help build more rehabilitation in the Lower East Side.

5. Do you invest any? If so, how?
Hmmm... my cousin is a finacial genious, so I'd get him to take a bunch of my money and turn it into more. I'd invest in my carreer... performing and writing. I'd invest in other people's carreers, too...

More Fun in Blog Land

2004-01-30T16:38:00.000-08:00

This is way more fun than I ever thought it could be!

Wowzers!

2004-01-30T14:11:00.000-08:00

Many thousands of thanks to the peanut goddess who frocked up me wee blog!

More Relationship Rambling...

2004-01-29T13:15:00.000-08:00

"Taking people for granted is different from trusting them. Make sure you show appreciation with kindness and direct activity, rather than possessiveness or promises."

Those words of wisdom brought to you by Yahoo! astrology of all places! But they ring true for me because I have been arriving at the same conclusion myself.

Last night I succeeded in keeping myself upbeat and optomistic... the side of me I prefer. Good thing, too... Danny was obviously depressed and stressed when I got home last night. I'm pretty sure I had a lot to do with it. But instead of coming in all glum like the night before, as I'm certain he was worried would happen, I came in smiling and did his dishes and helped him out until his mood improved. I decided that rather than appologize for being difficult and making delarations of change... I'd just show him.

See... I think, in fact, that he has handled my emotionality and anxious states the best he could. Perhaps I'd like to talk about things more than he is currently able to... however... I am realizing that if he let me wallow, wallow I would. Whereas him expressing how I was affecting his mood, made me realize that I must take action to remedy my maladies immediately.

Some may say that I shouldn't have to sensor my emotions with my beloved, with which I would generally agree. However, there are two sides to me: negative and positive. I prefer the positive, and strive to overrun the negative. He too, has both sides. His negative side revolves around anger... yet he never allows that side of him to negatively affect me... he controls it. Of course, I appreciate this... his anger would upset me, just as my wallowing upsets him. In a relationship, it is important that you take care of your own needs, but your partners needs are important also... and if his needs push me harder to improve my state of mind, then that's a good thing.

I've made some decisions about how I would like to be. For one, I am going to try to stop complaining so much out loud... bitching or swearing at inanimate objects when I lose my patience. I'm going to try to replace the word "fuck" (which I love and always will love, but use far too frequently) with "fiddlesticks"! I tend to say whatever comes into my mind... much of which would perhaps be better unsaid. So, I've decided that I will try to stop and think a moment before blurting. And every time I feel one of those emotions brought about by old-time anxieties, rather than let it carry me away, I will attempt to seperate the thought from the thinker, so that I may examine it and redirect it in a more positive way!

I've tried this already, and it's working so far. I must keep in mind that some times may be harder than others, and continually remind myself of how I have chosen to be and react.

I mean it, man... I'm bound and fucking determined to be happy...

Ancient Toltec Wisdom

2004-01-28T15:52:00.000-08:00

To master a relationship is all about you. If you know that you are only responsible for half of the realationship, you can easily control your half. If we respect the other half, there is always going to be peace in that relationship. There is no war.

NEXT, if you know what is love and what is fear, you become aware of the way you communicate your dream to others. The quality of your communication depends upon the choices you make in each moment, whether you tune your emotional body to love or to fear.

FINALLY, if you are aware that no one else can make you happy, and that happiness is the result of love coming out of you, this becomes the greatest mastery of the Toltec, the Mastery of Love.

FROM NOW ON, let every action, every reaction, every thought, every emotion, be based on love. Help us, Universe, to increase our self-love until the entire dream of our life is transformed, from fear and drama to love and joy!

Regarding Life's Little Difficulties

2004-01-28T13:35:00.000-08:00

Okay then. Just lost a filling to an innocent looking sugar free candy. No more caramels or toffees for me, ever, ever again! I think I swallowed part of it, too.

No problem. Just one more little thing to deal with... no biggie. I'm fine and good and everything is wonderful and fragrant, like roses covered in chocolate.

Yuppers.

Please Advise

2004-01-28T12:38:00.000-08:00

Last night I was unable to keep up my spirits as I had intended. The bad-thing took over, and the anxiety shut me down. I sat there, looking like I was just a pouting glum-guss, until Danny told me I was depressing him. Of course I was... because I haven't made it clear to him that I am experiencing low-level anxiety attacks, and trying to control them so that I don't lose control. So I explained that to him on the phone today, after telling him I'd made an appointment to see the female doctor who is replacing my doctor in his absence. I need him to know that I don't want to be this way... and that I am doing what I can to "get better".

Since taking that action, and having coffee with my friend Vi, I am feeling much more in control. I am trying to be patient with each and ever caller today... not that they ever know I'm NOT... I'm always the same with them on the phone, but inside I am a volcano, seething with impatience at their constant insipidness... if that's a word. It's not their fault they're annoying and/or stoopid. Customer service jobs are tough when you're an anxiety riddled diva who should be singing and dancing and writing every day instead of doing a day job. Thank god for the people I work with. If it weren't for them, I don't know how I'd cope!

But in this moment, I am feeling confident that I can manage this. I have finally pinpointed my exact fear: that if I am not perfect... if I do not live up to the expectations I assume people have of me... that their love will be withdrawn. Of course I feel this. This is what my mother did my whole life... one moment she loved me and the next, I was disappointing or angering her. Her love was conditional, outwardly, though I know it's her own illness that makes her the way she is. Justin did the same to me and so did Paul. Danny does not. What I am feeling is completely related to past experiences and has nothing to do with Danny. I must remember this... try to stop a moment before reacting. This, along with speaking to a doctor and perhaps a therapist, is the next step towards my recovery.

I need patience, and I need courage. I need to focus and work very hard at this, because I am afraid that if I don't, it will only get worse... and then ... I will lose the best thing I ever had.

Advice? Please!!?!?!?!?

Another Post Laiden With the "Fuck" Word!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-01-27T13:58:00.000-08:00

This has been a tough year so far.

First I was so very ill... then my headaches, who haven't been bothering me for some time, returned from out of no where, bringing along their good friend Mr. Migraine to visit... now my anxiety has gotten so bad I can barely eat. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw... I've had it!!

I walked to work today... a 40 minute, very brisk walk. My legs are like mush and I'm completely dazed... but I'd better keep it up, because I don't know what else to do.

I worry that my worries are going to negatively affect my relationship... why can't I just be happy? I really, really want to be happy and well adjusted! I am experiencing such a lack of confidence lately... although it's really just surface confidence. Deep down, I totally dig me... I like who I am... I can even see the beauty in my body when it is heavier than I'd like it to be. I suppose it's more my abilities I'm worried about... having anxieties about. Which is ridiculous. Or is it? I mean, I know I have talent... but I haven't been performing much over the last year... my voice is really rough for the first time in my life, due to lack of use and over-tokage.

Fucking fuck around!

Seriously. Here's what's going on: I've been depressed for a very long time... and lonely... and neglected! Finally I meet the man of my dreams, and now, even though I know he adores me and have every confidence in our relationship... I have all these fucking asshole anxieties revolving around other fucking jealousy issues! Stupid ones... like I wish he would never find another woman attractive now that he's with me? That's a bullshit imposibility... unfair to even wish. Selfish. Ego-driven. I don't own him for Christ's sake. He's a fucking man! Of course he's going to be attracted to other women. He smiles at pretty girls. So what? Really... what's the big deal? I'm holding his god damned hand while he's smiling... I smile at people too! He's a nice man... a good man. I guess I've just been hurt so badly over the course of my life... by boyfriends and partners... by my own fucking mother... is it lack of trust in humans... is it emotional plaque that has built up around my heart?!? I just want to cry all the time. I'm so sad. So sad. Tears now and here I am at work.

Maybe it comes down to this fear I have of disappointing or hurting those I'm closest too? I get upset when I do something "wrong"... even the littlest thing. I want to be loved. Do I think that I won't be unless I do everything right because my mother yelled at me and looked at me like she hated me so frequently when I was growing up... because Justin did the same thing, adding sexual abuse to the emotional abuse I got growing up... because Paul abused and used and neglected me? Gee... maybe.

But that's not Danny's fault! He does everything as best he can... which is so well. He never yells or makes me feel guilty. He makes love to me frequently, and very well. He feeds me and my cats and makes sure I have the softest toilet paper known to man... now that's love! He loves being with me... he's told me he's honoured I like to hang out with him... that he's never loved anyone like he loves me and he couldn't imagine loving anyone more... but he doesn't say he loves me every day, and he doesn't kiss me much except when we're making love. Seriously, girl... get a fucking grip. Actions speak louder tha words; well done is way better than well said: doesn't he show me constantly how much he loves me? Can't I just cut the dude a fucking break and greatfully accept him as he is... as he does?

Oh my dog, I'm trying so hard. But sometimes I get all quiet and pouty with him when I'm feeling neglected... when I am so far from it! He doesn't ask about my anxiety, which is fine. I can't discuss this with him, for to do so would certainely be the beginning of the end. This is my issue and I must deal with it. He deserves only to be loved and accepted... I wish to free myself from all expectations and simply revel in what he offers freely, which is so very much.

Oh my fucking god. Fuck. Fuck and double fuck!

Okay. Just keep walking; stop smoking; force yourself to write and sing until your bliss takes over again. Do this, keep fighting the demons, try your best to be happy when you are with him... to make him happy. That's all you can do. Do this, find the happiness within, keep breathing. Keep breathing your way through this.

Fuck.

Anxiety Returns

2004-01-26T17:34:00.000-08:00

... but not for long, I hope...

Irrational, selfish, ego-driven anxieties.

Let them go already!

Ice Cold Beer

2004-01-21T17:49:00.000-08:00

Beer can't solve everything it's true. But what it can't solve I don't do... I want beer. That's what I want. That's what I wa-a-a-a-a-a-ant, that's what I want.

FUCK!

2004-01-20T19:54:00.000-08:00

Fucking fuck!

6 minutes to go... make that 5.

I'm so irritable and I can't type. Anger. Growling. Raging.

My nerves are completely on edge.

In 4 minutes, I can put on my many layers, go outside and light a big fatty to keep my warm on my journey home.

Hope there aren't too many annoying fuckers on the bus tonight!

Still cunt type.

Fuck and fuck and fuck again.

Three minutes.

Help me.
Help me.

HELP ME!!!!!

Two minutes. Okay. Gotta run. Fuck.

Ugh!

2004-01-20T19:38:00.000-08:00

God, can I do anything but complain? I don't think so.

I hate #@$%&*%^ Realty right now. Because I have PMS and low blood sugar and I'm so tired and worn out.

Sigh. 20 minutes to go now.

Fuck me gently with a chain saw!

So tired...

2004-01-20T19:09:00.000-08:00

So tired.

Don't really want to write in my blog. Defenitely don't want to work. Don't want to be cranky, either.

Fuck around.

I just wanna go home... in 50 minutes I can, but that's not soon enough.

So tired.

Back to the Grind!

2004-01-19T18:34:00.000-08:00

Gawd! Back at work... not feeling like death warmed over anymore, but still recovering. I think it'll take a while for me to get my strength back. It's hard to come back to work after being off for so long. It's just that I really like not working... not that I mind my job.

Gotta win the lottery!

Sick of being sick!

2004-01-13T14:00:00.000-08:00

Wah.

I feel like I have a fever. I'm burning up, but then other times I'm freezing. My eyes burn too, and it's hard to focus... It's giving me a tension headache to go with my sinus headache. My throat is throbbing from all the coughing I did yesterday. I'm having trouble hearing. My nose hurts from blowing it too much... even my lips burn! My whole body aches and I have no strength in my limbs. I'm so worn out and lack any kind of energy at all from fighting this damn bronchitis, and from not being able to sleep at night due to my inability to breathe. And my eyelids are puffy from crying because I feel so yucky.

And I'm back at work.

I want my bed and my blankie and my kitties. NOW!

Anyways. Thanks for listening. And may you avoid this bronchitis like the plague, for that is what it feels like.

The Moon is 96.7% Full!

2004-01-06T16:40:00.000-08:00

No wonder all the fuckin' wackos have been crawling out of the woodwork all day long!

Shut the city down! It's snowing!!!

2004-01-06T14:41:00.000-08:00

Yikes-o-rama! It's coming down so steadily, I feel like I'm trapped inside a snowglobe of Gastown... 'cept they don't generally sell those. They probably sell rainglobes instead.

I'm tired and cranky. Tired because I'm tired. Cranky because all the mean, mean bastards are calling me at work, trying to make me cry. HA! I won't do it, I tell you!

Also: I dropped my pasta directly onto the floor from it's tupperware container when I got to work. Boo-fucking-hoo!

But my sweet little Peanut surprised me with spaghetti to twirl around on my fork and shove into my mouth... yummy! She has single handedly kept the tears from my eyes without lifting a finger... unless you count trudging out in this blizzard and crawling on her hands and knees to The Old Spaghetti Factory to procure replacement food for my sadened heart!

My co-workers are the best thing about my job!

Speaking of which... it just ain't the same without our little Orchid around! When oh when will you leave the cyber graveyard?

Today is a good day.

2004-01-05T17:44:00.000-08:00

When you wake up tired, like, really tired... and you could go back to sleep, because you don't actually start work until noon, but you get up anyway, because your man has to get up and go to work for 11 hours, and mornings are hard enough for him, let alone Monday mornings... and then he gets a call from Job #1 when you're out having your morning machiatto at your local Italian coffee bar, letting him know that he doesn't need to come in, so you take him for breakfast instead, and then you still have enough time to run back home, peel your winter layers back off, climb back into bed and roll around together before you have to leave for work yourself... and then you get to go home and watch hockey and drink beers and eat foods with said man until it's time to go to bed and get it on again... now that's what I call a good day, man!

2004 Arrives Wearing Bells!

2004-01-02T18:49:00.000-08:00

Well I must say... I'm feeling rather good in this bright new shiney new year, thus far! My head has been easier to control lately. I don't want to jump to conclusions and think that I'm all better just like that... I've been charting my happy vs depressed days, and am beginning to realize that some stretches of time are easier than others... just trying to figure out why. If it's something hormonal or physical aswell as mental. That sounds funny... mental!

Each new year seems very exciting to me... it's my personal new year, too, with my birthday coming up (January 11th, in case anyone who happens to be in possession of a pink mix-master and loves me to bits wants to surprise me with delectable anything!). So ya... it's a fresh start, somehow. Or, perhaps it's more like a time to really focus on the big picture... all the areas I want to explore and improve upon. A renewal.

My list is too long to bother writing. I want to be the best me I can be. I want to make good choices as often as possible, remembering that every single little one of them counts. Choices regarding my physical health; my emotional well-being; my growth and goals; my relationships: everything! I want to be the captain of my own fucking ship, man!

The last several years have gotten harder and harder... damn it... I've been lost. Drifting on a sea of forgotten teardrops. Unable to write... create. It's all coming back, and it's gonna be better than ever. And easier than ever. I just can't believe I was right... what a difference it makes having someone to face the world with! I've never been able to say that before.

A few things I'd like to do this year:

- Take a writing class; read, read, read; write a novel
- Get a good vocal coach; put together a song book & band with Danny; get lotsa gigs; do voiceovers
- Get my body strong and healthy
- Take dance classes - Salsa with Danny - Flamenco and/or Belly with myself
- Meditate; yoga; conginitive control - heal my mind!!
- Learn to hike and camp; spend time in nature
- Personal spritual development... too immense to describe
- Build this new relationship into a thing of lasting beauty and function!!!!!!

See... the list could go on and on...

Happy Friggin' New Year, Eh Y'All!

It's tough being a girl.

2003-12-30T18:53:00.000-08:00

Goodness gracious... will the torment never end!?!? Good news... I strongly believe the answer to be yes... fuck yes, even.

This morning at about 8:30, I awoke to find my baby getting dressed to go upstairs to his own apartment to sleep... he'd been having trouble and needed to make sure he got enough rest. No biggie right? Then how come it made me cry (he didn't know, of course)? All those old abandonment issues, me thinks... when will they give ME a rest? Well... after a few minutes of tears, I managed to talk myself out of them and even get a little more shut eye. So you see... there's hope for me yet! In the past, it never occured to me to check such feelings... but here I am, doing my damndest not to let them get the better of me!

It's tough being a girl.

I'm a Mysterious Kiss!

2003-12-30T16:04:00.000-08:00

You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You Dirty Rat!

2003-12-30T14:14:00.000-08:00

You are Rizzo the Rat.
You have few friends, but are loyal to those you do
have. Maybe if you didn't smell like sewage
you would have more.

SPECIES:
Rodentia Digesta Lotta Grub
HOMETOWN:
Brooklyn, USA

FAVORITE MOVIE:
"Rat On A Hot Tin Roof"

FAVORITE SONG:
"The Pest Is Yet To Come"

FAVORITE FOOD:
You got it, I'll eat it.

HOBBIES:
See "Favorite Food".

QUOTE:
"When do we eat?"

What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003 - The Year of Many Changes!

2003-12-29T13:42:00.000-08:00

Another year nears its close. What a year it has been! So many huge changes in my life, and so many more to come. Overwhelming and wonderful.

2003. I began it as a hermit. A very depressed little hermit, indeed! Un-employed; under-nourished; neglected; disgruntled; jaded; verging on bitter! It was all I could do to drag myself out of bed so I could shudder-sob on the couch instead. Debts piling up; bills un-paid; rent un-payable: I had to move from the home I loved because I couldn't afford it anymore. Had to box up my stuff and sling it into storage; pack myself and my kittens off to a friend's apartment to sub-let at a discounted cost whilst he was away.

Good thing I remebered that change is usually for the better, and just went with it, or I wouldn't be where I am today.

2003. The year I fell in real love for the first time, and if I have my way, the last. Had I not moved accross the street from he who was already my friend... he who had been doing his darndest to woo me since we had met, two years previous... well... who knows where I'd be. 2003. The year the order I had placed to the Universe finally arrived, answering all my wishes and beyond; fulfilling the dream I had yearned to live since I was old enough to yearn.

Let me tell you... getting what you want isn't as easy as it sounds. There's all this emotional crap that goes along with it. I'm growing up... and even though it's on an emotional level... oh the growing pains!

Come to think of it, I not only fell in love, but shacked up this year. Certainley, I have my own suite and pay my own rent, but both our spaces, in the same building, are eachothers. We are always together. We are a team. I do his dishes and he feeds me. We fold eachothers laundry. We help eachother get going in the morning and wind down at night. This is it, and I like it!

2003. The year I began the groundwork for changing my life. The year I saw light at the end of the tunnel, and began combating the negative side of myself. 2004 is going to be the best year I've ever had... the best year HE's ever had... I can feel it. I have a new lease on life, and my long surpressed power is bubbling at the surface, just waiting to erupt.

Lookout, world! I'm back!

Family-Free Christmas a Success!

2003-12-26T18:20:00.000-08:00

Well... I did it! For the first time in my 30 (nearly 31) years, I didn't spend Christmas with my mother, and I am so relieved! It was relaxing and lovely... spent with the nicest man ever. We slept in, we made love, we ate, we walked, we made love some more, we slept some more, we ate some more... purrrrfection!

You are (I am) a Musical Thinker & You are (I am) an Intrapersonal Thinker

2003-12-23T18:59:00.000-08:00

(From the BBC Thinker's Quiz... way cool!)

Musical Thinkers:

Tend to think in sounds, and may also think in rhythms and melodies.
Are sensitive to the sounds and rhythms of words as well as their meanings.
Feel a strong connection between music and emotions.

Like many musical thinkers, Leonardo (da Vinci) loved to sing, and had a fine voice.
Other Musical Thinkers include Mozart, John Lennon, Jimi Hendrix (I love Jimi!).

Careers which suit Musical Thinkers include
Musician, Music teacher, Sound engineer, Recording technician

SO I'VE CHOSEN THE RIGHT CAREER PATH... WHERE'S MY CAREER?!?!?

Intrapersonal Thinkers:

Spend a lot of time thinking about and trying to understand themselves. (way too much time!)
Reflect on their thoughts and moods, and work to improve them.
You understand how your behaviour affects your relationships with others.

Like intrapersonal thinkers, Leonardo (da V.) worked hard to improve all aspects of himself.
Other Intrapersonal thinkers include Sigmund Freud, Gandhi, Grahame Greene.

Careers which suit Intrapersonal Thinkers include:
Psychologist, Teacher, Pilot, Child care worker, Explorer, Drama therapist.

SO LITTLE TIME, SO MANY CAREERS I CAN'T AFFORD TO PURSUE!

Today, I'm Winning!

2003-12-23T13:34:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh... today, thankfully, is a little bit easier than yesterday was! Mind over matter... it DOES work... just takes a little time to sink in.

I have been struggling with these demons my entire life, but over the last four months, these struggles have turned into an epic battle. I have put my foot down... I wish to be truly happy and free from suffering... thoughts are like clouds... the emotions they bring boiling to the surface are an illusion... they are not reality. They are based on past events and situations, and more often than not, have no baring on the present.

Some days are simply harder than others. Even though I know, logically, that the emotions that take me over ARE an illusion, they are overwhelmingly oppressive. I mean... yes... they are real. They ARE based on reality... there are reasons I have such anxieties and such pain. But re-feeling these emotions now that I am "safe" is unnecessary... and I can choose not to.

I am convinced that if I work at this... if I separate the thought from the thinker enough... I will prevail. I believe that if I do this; and make sure I get enough exercise and sleep (and sex!); and if I meditate; and cut back on caffeine; and eat the right foods: I can avoid going on anti-depressants. I want to be able to control this without them, if possible, and I will try all I can on my own first.

2004 is just around the corner. A new year; my new year - 31; my new life. This up and coming year stands before me like a lump of unused clay - mine for the molding.

This is gonna be the best year I ever had... and do you know why? 'Cause I'm gonna make it that way!!!

Today my brain is on fire.

2003-12-22T18:24:00.000-08:00

My heart throbs cheerlesly in my throat, threatening at any moment to break loose... to drag my tender little emotions through the coals with it, as it runs rampant through the unbearable sadness I was born with... but I won't let it!

My demons are mean, mean bastards... illogical; unreasonable; overwhelmingly ferocious. They want me to delve deeply into my misery; they want me to perfect it; to allow it to take over once and for all.

Well this little princess has had it up to hear with this never-ending torment, and I'm telling my dark-side right now: it's time to back off, baby! I'm not going to live that kind of life - I flat out fucking refuse. I will look that monster right in the eye until daylight comes; until it melts away like a nightmarish mirage.

I will not be bullied out of my happiness, particularly not by my own weaknesses. I am the bridge I have to cross; the cross I have to bear. Whatever doors are locked, I am the only one who holds the key. There is no one who can make this world liveable but me.

I just want to be happy.